We are going to go to dinner when they get home. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. These are kids. Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. Ronan. Ill enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Its raining like crazy here today. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. So much so that I am wondering if Ill become a vegetarian after this. Even a 45 minute car ride. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I know what I've been doing. In a way that I havent been able to do since you died. Please!!!!!!! I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. Sooooooo New York!!! I am sorry. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . How much you hated them. I let the tears, sweat, and vomit take over my world for 3 days straight. While I was on my vacation in the Hamptons, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. He was so tiny and frail. I know you will. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I tried to call your daddy. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. They kept coming in to check on me. It was good to see them. I have some serious business to attend to! A water for me. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Even the weather agrees. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. You know I will always say yes to New York. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. I told him to hang on, that if I didnt send this email, I would forget to do it. He sat. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. Pillow case soaked. To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. Not the other way around. Ive am living in a war zone every single day. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this. on Bye Bye Little Sad House! I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. I love you. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. Its got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately. I texted her back, Is it good news or bad news? I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses? I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. Poppy is so lucky. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. THANK YOU. So, where to start? I love you. I hope you are safe. I love that man and the concert was unreal. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. They turned out beautifully. We have had those picked out for a long time. I had a long board meeting last night. Dr. Mosse from Chop. I was so glad I didnt have to sit there alone. How could anyone look at your face, and not be broken-hearted? Your daddy knows Ive been having the worst time sleeping. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Holy smokes I was blown away! I think so, but to know so, Id have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. I know its important to them Ronan and I am so thankful for all the hard work thats going into this disease, but its not enough. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. I dont miss you less. I was getting ready for our little board meeting and I should have suspected something.. but I just chopped it up to being tired. I am still pretty sick. A coffee for him. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. You know what I told him today? I am so scared of having a still birth because thats the world I live in now and its all I hear about, besides cancer.. And if they do get cancer, there should really be better treatments and options. I was having a really, really sad day but didnt want to let him in on that. on 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. I promise to be the best mama to her. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. I love you. An ear infection, counting my blessings! Its early in the day around 5 a.m. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. Ive been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I dont feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. I called your Sparkly up. Not many people would want to. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. I live on, for you because I love you so much. I didnt want everyone in that room to see the data that was being presented in front of their faces in a scientific form. Ronan. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. I only wish it were your body wearing it. That will never change. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Everyday, she is surviving Ronan. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home. Almost too good. I will never understand why this is acceptable. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. If you are not and you are still complaining about this shit I would really like to punch you in the face. I felt myself panic. Let him be fine. Those are not problems. I sent Dr. Jo a text to tell her that this conference desperately needed her there. That woman humbles me like no other. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I hope you are safe. As I said before, everything with your Poppy sister looks great, but I still sat and told Dr. Schwartz about how I made the ultrasound technician check for any type of mass in Poppys body. Not sleeping well. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. She told me she was sorry about you. I have lots to do today. I imagined it. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. It was no use. I miss you. I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I dont have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me. You can see the link for the website here. Those moments mean so much to me. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. Its all so unfair. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I dont know what this dream meant. How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. Im full fledged in the middle of writing this book. With a lot of different things. Today, was not a day I expected at all. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. Shes very eager which I like. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. We sat and caught up. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. Im not sure what we will do. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. He always knows that. Thats all I needed to hear. Quinn was over the moon. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. I leave soon. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. Dr. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I am further along than that, but not much. Im sad. I love people like that. Its comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. I feel like I am back there again. Same with our Fairy RoMo. I miss you. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. Glenda says: July 28, 2011 . All fueled by everything Ronan. "My darling. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. Rach. Ronan. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. I forget to write about 23 months without you. Ronan. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. What if I totally freak out and lose it? I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. There was complete devastation. I hate the month of May. I sent my Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text and told him how I could not get out of bed. I choose to live in it. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. You dont have anything to prove to me, o.k. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. Not even his witty remark made me giggle. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. So much. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. Quinnmade a commentabout how weird it felt to have another person living in our house again with us. I would give my life for those problems. I had just lost you. Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and its not what I want this book to be about, so Ive been trying to make this section, as short as possible. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. Ill fall asleep quickly as I have been doing so easily lately. on Its 3:25 a.m.? He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. Consider it done. he said. But you chose not to do that, and look at everything is happening. Stacy. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. with this. I miss you. Your picture is enough. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. I will never be o.k. Well, 3 actually but Im only going to talk about 2. She lost her daughter to cancer. Even if you dont mean it or dont feel like it. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. As I said before, I dont think I need any words. I love you. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. Not the day you flew away to the heavens above, not the day you went to be with Jesus, not the day you went to a better place where you are an angel now, not the day that you became free, not the day that you went home. I am not about to soften this blow with any of that bullshit. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. Most of our weekends are low key. Thank you.. THANK YOU. I tried my best. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. I couldn't take it anymore. On Friday, 'Ronan (Taylor's Version)' was widely released for the first time as the album's 21st track For many of Swift's younger or more casual fans, this may be their first time hearing the song. Its because of Poppy. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. I didnt survive this. I went and got it. Nobody knows that. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. So typical. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. Giggling everywhere. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. Fernanda. I cannot seem to function. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. I am so tired of this life without you. After the race I got a chance to meet some really lovely people who all love you so much. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. He always knows best. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. I wouldnt have needed to say much as your eyes say it all. "My darling. I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. with you being somewhere else. After the Stand Up to Cancer benefit, "Ronan" was only released on iTunes, with all proceeds donated to the Taylor Swift Charitable Fund. Its been a long and busy day. She talked about how she was so excited to run this but then pulling up to park and seeing your little face on the poster was just awful. I love our little unconventional board. I had a nice thing happen to me today. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. We found a kid sized one to dress up. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know Im not a fan of. I got home to our empty house. So sweet. Sometimes all you need in life is a little Eddie Vedder to remind you of who you really are. It all started with her looking me in the eyes and saying, What do you want? We have all agreed on that. A productive trip. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. So good. I can be brave. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. I miss you so much, Ro. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. I talked to your Sparkly the other day. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. Ronan. I truly expected more from you. I hope you are safe. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I was out cold. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. Am I pushing things a bit? Things like this dont happen in real life, right? A mother doesnt survive something like this. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. I WILL DO ANYTHING. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Talk about another huge sign! I look forward to watching what she does in regards to Neuroblastoma. Where once there were homesand farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought. My shot didnt hurt for me today. Depth. At least my anger seems to be under control. Its not my choice, its yours. Please rest. We were all tired from our long day of traveling. We shared some fruit and nuts. He asked if it was hard for meto bein there with her. It was my agent, Nena. Most of the time alone. I will make you both proud. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Things like this dont even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. Mothers Day is hard enough now, butthe fact thatit falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. Thank you., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: I miss him. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. Im sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. What do you mean, I cant talk to him anymore? This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. Nobody was there. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. I sent him a text. Any type of cooking smell, makes my stomach turn. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. The going to New York thing all alone. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I love you. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. Alright little man. I honestly do. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. Yup. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that youre not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. The biggest reason of all. A lot of you little blog readers have asked why I am calling this baby Poppy for now. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. Its late now. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. In the middle of my noyoucannotsoblikeafuckingbabyinfrontofallthesepeopletantrum. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. I think Im dying. Why would I want to break it anymore? I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. What is wrong with me? She has a ton of hair already. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. 6 would have been absolutely perfect in this so-called imperfect world that does not exist if you have all of your kids, healthy and living. Maya! I usually fall back asleep around 5 a.m. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. You werent naughty. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Your Sparkly. Alright little man. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Let the strategizing, begin. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Fuck. Im looking for you. He deserved better. Your costume. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. Im sorry for everything. She wanted me to wait for her, to do our pies. It was an emergency last night. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. I hope you are safe. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? He knows that too. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, Ronan, came on. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. I love you. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. So weird, but Ill take it. I saw a cat in our driveway and right behind that, a big raccoon. As always, it was good. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. And how in the world am I living without him? I then just said to Macy, Im not doing this for myself. Then perfect little boy Ronan. I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I dont do well with things that slow me down. I was in the hospital with your Poppy sister. It started Wednesday night. It makes me feel happy. Sheets drenched. You left him here to watch over me, for you. If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. I have to make you proud, Ronan. little man. I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of ruining our trip. That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. Not crying. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. I told her alright for the most part. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. In bed? We have about one idea for a first name. I remember telling her about you. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. on Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. Alone. I miss you. I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while. Laughing as you would pick all the flowers around our neighborhood from other peoples yards, thinking you were so naughty for doing so. I will see you tomorrow.. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. Secret Plan! He sat down. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. You see, I am not only doing this to make some money for your foundation, but I am also doing this to help us get through May. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. I huffed and puffed. Are you o.k. I love you so much. Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. My phone rang and so I did my thing. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. Not even her. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. Ro baby. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. Of course I listened. They are so not cool with it. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. My board members told me I was a genius tonight. Liam chimed in, too. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. FUCK THAT SHIT. Come to my office. I met him there. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. Sweet dreams, little one. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here.
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